Monday, September 19, 2011

This time i went hunting part 2....

So anyways, me and Lester were arrested after being caught goin 90 in a 30 mph zone. It also didn't help that we had a stolen mangled sheep in the bed of the truck.

Now my buddy Lester was passed out COLD in the passenger side, so i knew he wouldn't be know help. So anyways, the cop cuffs me and throws me in the back of his squad car, than he goes out and drags Lester out and throws him in next to me. So I look at him and say "Damn. We just got arrested." Now, he didn't reply cause he was unconscious from all them budwisers he drunk, but if he was conscience, he probably would have said "Damn we got arrested."

Now he drives us off to the jail and throws us in a holdin cell. Now the first thing i notice is that there were tons of black people there. One of em came up to me and  said. "Hey. Give me your shoes." So I threw a dip in from 50 feet away and said "Boy you best not get up in my face." an he tries to act intimidating and goes "why you callin me a boy? You some kinda white supremacist ass hole or something. Huh?"

Now i figured there was no point in lying so i go "Yeah. But I mean, a boy could be a chinaman for all i care." so he gets right up face and goes "I don't want to see you round here no more." and so i say "Son, since we're both in a cell, that'll be mighty hard to do." Now about this time, the guard comes by an tells me i got me phone call. So i go out there an call my friend Bryndon. He got himself a degree in mostly-fake lawyering from one of them online e-niversitys. Now, he tells me we could post bail an me and Lester could leave. Now i said "Screw that i don't have the money."

About this time, the guard came back, so i took his gun and shot him. I went back to the cell and shot the black guy. He looked at me so i shot him again. I spat out my dip, said "Dont you mess with the confederacy", threw another dip in, gathered up Lester and went back hom.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Why I like NASCAR

  • Aint no minorities. No mexicans or negros. Just good ole white folk
  • It's roots come from moonshine. I got a still out in the back signed by Dale Earheart
  • It's a great excuse to have a beer
  • they don't have no "brodcast being presented in spanish" crap.
  • sometimes they fly the rebel flag along with the merican flag
  • Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
  • teaches our kids to go fast.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

This time I went hunting...

So one day I was sittin drinkin a beer and watching NASCAR when my buddy Lester called me up and said "hey man lets go huntin."

Now I think this is a great idea, but there aint no wildlife preserves anywhere close for us to hunt. So now what are we gonna do? So I throw a dip in and Lester tells me theres a new farm down yonder that has some lambs. So I grab my glock an say "let's go."

So we go down there, and we see a sheep an I go "Lester hey Lester. You see that?" he say "yep" I say "damn. That's a sheep." to which be replies "damn that's a sheep."

So I look at him, take a swig of my Budwiser an say "let's get it." so I shot it. It tried to crawl away so I shot it again, and I threw it in the back of the truck.

So we start headin back home, when some cop pulls us over for doing 90 in a 30 mph zone. Now I don't think that's right, I think we should drive our mud splattered trucks as fast as we want to, but that black-lovin cop though otherwise.

So he ask me if I've been drinking, so I look him straight in the eye and say "Yes sir what the hell do you think YOU are gonna do about it?" so he asks me to step out of the car, an he goes around to check the bed, an he sees he mangled sheep. Now he looks at it and looks at me an says "what's this?" so I say "that's my cousin. We was takin him to the hospital yonder, an that's why we were going so fast." now he says "sirs I'm gonna have to ask you to come with me." so he cuffs us and throws us in the back of his squad car......

Sunday, September 11, 2011

My 9/11 story

On 9/11/01, I was watching some NASCAR coverage, when my brother-in-law called and said to turn on the news. An I tell him "Now why should i do that?" and he say "It is a matter of national security!"

Now normally, i don't listen to a thing he says. He's one of the high class office-workers; he CAN NOT be trusted. But anyhow, today i just decided to listen to him. So i change to some news, and i see the word trade center burning, and i see some bastard fly another plane into the second building.

My first thought was "Damn, and it looks so nice there.." But them i thought "Who's the evil son of satan who did this??"

So i call up Lester. He says "You seen what happened on the news." i say "Yep." He say "Damn. That's a terrorist attack." and i reply "Damn, that's a terrorist attack."

So now what are we gonna do? I ask Lester what he knows about it, and he says "Pretty sure it's that Osama guy." An i say "Let's get him." So I throw a dip in and head over to Lester's. Now he tells me that Obama is the leader of some cult called Al Kiduh. I say "Well what are they?" and he says "They're muslims."

"Damn. They're muslims."

Now there was a mosque about thirty miles away, so me and Lest rode out there to try to find Osama. We saw a muslin guy, so i shot him and said "Where the hells Osama?" he say "I don't know!" so i shoot him again. Now Lester goes "Man, i think he's tellin the truth." So i throw a dip in, and contemplate it for a little bit. I was about to make my desicion on what to do, but i heard police sirens. Now, me and Lester looked at each other, looked at the wounded muslin, and got the hell out of there.

Now and few months later, Bush had launched some wars against Osama, and just a few months ago, some badass Navy Seals kicked Osama's ugly middle-eastern ass and fed him to some sharks. But I still can't forget that terrible day when America and the Confederacy suffered a terrible tragedy.

Damn. 9/11 pretty much sucked.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

this time i bought a computer

This one time, I was sitting watching NASCAR, and wife came in and said "Honey, i think we should by a computer." I said "No! Now go make me a sammich!"

But it got me thinkin, so the next day i went down to one of them fancy fruit stores down at the mall, to see bout gettin one o them new 'Eye Macks.' You see, i figgured it be like either a Big Mac, or a mac truck, but it was niether.

Now, my first problem was they had blacks workin there, and i didn't like that one bit. My second problem, was they were all a bunch of Prius-driving liberal pansies.

Anyway, i ask the obama supporter trying to sell my this crap how much it was gonna cost, an he said 1200 dollars. I considered shooting him, but decided not to. I told him there aint no way in hell im paying that much for a Chinese-made overpriced piece of crap.

Now i was pretty mad, so i threw a dip in, but some guy there told me they had a no tobacco policy an i said "Damn. Where is this country going." So now i leave the store, but i see this REAL NICE rebel flag laptop skin, so i take it.

Anyways, so i get back home and tell me wife what happens, and she seems kind of upset so i tell her "Don worry, i'll find us a computer. Now go make me a sammich."

So the next day, I go to my buddy Lester (the tech-savvy one of us) and he tells me about this place that opened up at the old radio shack building called "Radio Shack used computers." I say "Damn. Let's go." So he throws a dip in, and we head down there. They try to sell me all this "Windows XP works like it just came out of the factory" crap.

I was bout to leave, but them i saw it. I don't know what it was, but i fell in love with it.
So i look at Lester and say "Damn. That's a computer." He looks back at me and says "Damn thats a computer."

So i look at the guy, throw a dip in, and say "How much is that there beauty?" an he says "That one? It don't work, it's the biggest piece of garbage i ever seen. Hell, I'd pay you to take it." Now i wasn't gonna put up with this blasphemy against great American art, so i shot him and took the computer.

So i slap my confederate laptop skin on it and bring it home. I show it to my wife an say "Look what i got for ya." she goes "That's not what we need! I need one that works." so i said "Watch yo mouth woman, or ill tie you up and leave in the swamp again." Well that shut her up good, and she left me to marvel over my great item.

Damn i love this country.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

my family reuniun

back in about '98, me and my buddy Lester went down to El Paso for my family reunion. Lester's a pretty cool guy, he supports all the ideas i do.
 thats lester


So anyways, besides being a true down home son of dixie, he had a REAL NICE truck back then. He had the party wagon from the TV versian of Kill Bill
  Party wagon indeed! Cept, he had a rebel flag covering his back windshield

So anyways, I really wanted to go to one of them whataburgers, an i hear they had some down there. So im thinkin "damn, i really want me some whataburger." After a while, Lester sees something and goes "Damn. That's a whataburger."

I look at the building, then back at him and i go. "Damn. That's a whataburger."

So we go in and i notice all the signs are in english AND mexican. At first, I just thought it was because everyone down here had to speak a little mexican to tell them aliens to "Get your ass right back over the border!" But when we get in line, we see it's a mexican takin our order.

So I look at Lester and say "This aint happinin in MY country!" So I shot the mexican. He started to crawl away, so i shot him again. 

Now we had a slight problem. You see, a cop had just walked in and had witnessed what we did. Even worse than that, Lester was on parole. 

You see, apparently when your on parole, you cant leave your town or carry a gun. Lester thought that was complete crap, so he rebelled lie a true southern hero.

Anyways, so i look at Lester and say "Let's get out of here." 

So we hop in his truck and we start to drive off, but i go "we cant leave yet!" and i throw a dip in. "All right, let's go." And we just gunned it. Sure enough, that cop tried to chase us down.

The laws of the the confederate (which i wrote) state that you have to have a small arsenal in your truck, along with enough copenhagen and budwiser to last three months. So i reach back for my twelve gauge, but lester goes "Nah, i got a better idea."

So we turn off and go down a back road, and we just gun it. Now it'd rained recently, so most all the dirt was mud. We went through it with ease, but i guess the cop hadn't ever been muddin before, and before long he was stuck.

Now when we realized this, we pulled over and threw a dip in and lester goes "Lets high-tail it back to Mississippi!" So we drove on back, and didn't have no more trouble with police

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

This time i built a house boat.

So back in about 2005, me an my wife were livin down in new orleans, and there was some talk about a hurrican or something like that. So I look to my wife and say "We're gonna build us a houseboat."
So i gather up some two-by-fours and put my double wide (truck AND trailer) on it. When them storms came, we just floated right off.

Now we were well stocked, I had thrity cans of Copenhagen , and several 24 packs of budwiser. So we get to the middle of the ocean, and i see a shark and i say "Damn. That's a shark."

So now what am i gonna do? I look over to my wife and she say "Lets get it."
So I take out my gun and i shot it in the face and dragged it onto the houseboat. It kept thrasin around so i shot it again.

I look at my wife and i say "We're eatin good tonight."

So we finally land, and we get out and look around and my son sees a black guy. It comes up to me and starts talking all kinds of jibberish, so i shoot it and drag him back to the house boat. That night i put on my clan robes and grabed my gun and went out to see what all was going on.

Now before I did that, i took out one of my confederate flags and planted it on the beach, so people know what kind of place i run.

Anyways, I went out to look around, and i stumble on all the black people, like they were in some sort of tribe and i say to my self "damn, i must have landed in hell or something."

So i shot a few of em and ran back to my houseboat, threw a dip in, and said "we are gettin out of here!"

So we went back out to sea, and after a little bit we landed back in america. I settled back down, went mudding a few dozen times, and after a while i realized "damn, i left my wife back in wherever i was."